I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
