If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
