i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
