She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This baby is an asshole
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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