I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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