Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
