I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
