since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
