I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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