I think my fart just growled at me.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
