Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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