My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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