omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
