i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
