when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
