Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
