I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
