I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
pray to the hookup gods
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
