Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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