I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
