he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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