he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
