I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
