would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
