Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
