I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
