It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
