My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
