I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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