So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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