I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
