Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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