The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Randomize
