When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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