Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
