my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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