My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
