we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
