pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
