I met the friendliest cop last night
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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