I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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