i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
