That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
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