Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
