My friends, they love my intelligence
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
