mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
My butt remains clenched, sir.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
