Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
you never un-have a 4some
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
