If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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