This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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