Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
